So. Here I am…
Trudging my way back into the blogging world, hanging my head and already feeling that twinge of shame that comes from missing a deadline.
April 1: blog re-launch. That kinda-sorta-didn’t really happen.
On the surface, it came and went silently. Internally though, I was punishing myself like crazy. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I meet a simple, self-imposed deadline? What does this say about me? About my business? How is everyone going to see me now? Why do I even try? I’m a terrible blogger/internet… person… thing. So much self doubt, so much comparison, so much imperfection. That was a scary word. Imperfection.
It wasn’t lack of want or lack of try that stopped me from meeting my blog relaunch date. It was lack of confidence, a wee bit of laziness (it was an exhausting work-heavy winter), but above all else, it was lack of perfection that was doing me in. My logo isn’t perfect, my layout isn’t perfect, my photography isn’t perfect, my writing isn’t perfect, X Y Z isn’t perfect.
To me, imperfection = failure.
Obviously, this is nothing earth shattering. Much as our brains try to trick us out of it, our common sense tells us we can’t be perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist. Yet, as a creative, I find myself always pushing myself to my limits to achieve this unattainable status. Especially with this blog. I felt like I had this reputation to live up to, some measure of expectation to be met, and instead of allowing myself to freely create – as this blog was originally intended for – I got scared. That aforementioned common sense? Oh, it kicked in and it shouted at me loud and clear: “you’re not perfect!” But I took it in the wrong way.
The problem here isn’t knowing that perfection is impossible and knowing you can never achieve it, but it’s allowing yourself to happily embrace imperfection and rid it of its negative connotations.
“Imperfect” feels like a negative word. Being imperfect can seem like failure, defeat, like a hole that you never want to emerge from. It was safer, easier, to simply hide than face imperfection.
Right now, this is me declaring my flaws and looking that fear in the face. This is me teaching myself to simply let the journey unfold, cuts and scraps and face plants all the way. Because that’s what this blog is. It’s not a finished product, and it’s not clean and shiny and sparkling. It’s a work in progress. Much like myself. An ever-evolving entity. A moment in time.
This blog may not be the glowing spot of immediate awesomeness I originally envisioned. But that’s okay. I’m happy that it’s not. I’m allowing myself space to breath, to grow, to create and to evolve. And that’s what you can expect from k. 2.0. Me, embracing my sloppy, candid, organic, authentic, disorganised imperfections and not giving three shakes of a lamb’s tail if they’re”good” or “right” or “proper”. Screw that. Imperfection is a positive thing, and something I intend to embrace wholeheartedly going forward.